[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
…u ok Nintendo?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.