[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I came this close!!!!
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.