[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
