[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
We’ve all been there…
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?