Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

same energy

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT