Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down