Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

@funTweeters I am at your service….

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.