[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
You Might Also Like
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”