Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.