Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

how to exercise your calf muscles

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.