How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]