Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.