Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

The glory of fall.

My life coach traded me.

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”