Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”