Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

cause of death:
autopsy.

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”