Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds