Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome