Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google assistant rules

liiiiiiiiike

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.