Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
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“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive