Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
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I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.