Short story
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Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Encore…
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS