Short story
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying