Short story
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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.