Short story
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Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.