Short story
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Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.