Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
hmm conte-me mais
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Livid.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.