Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer
“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
excuse me
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?