Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”