Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
One venti cheeseburger please.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats