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sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Pot warmers of the day.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO