Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Social distancing in Australia:
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it