Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
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Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming