@MomofTeen: Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a "leaf herder" and realize I need to get out more often.
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@TheBoydP: Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black? Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
@LaziestCanine: [uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
@Brianhopecomedy: *2 year old runs by screaming* *72 ducks chasing her* "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD."
@RyanAndrewMitch: Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.