It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
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I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”
And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I’m not even married.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.