@MomofTeen

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

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@peachgrenade

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

@robin_991

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

@SteveKoehler22

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

@YayatiSB

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

@jonnysun

its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor

@djdarrellripley

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

@BangGanged

I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I’m not even married.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.