Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.