Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
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Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
When you have to use a public restroom.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.