Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
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you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.