Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.