Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!