Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

This can never not be funny 😭😭

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.