Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
You Might Also Like
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow