Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.