Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

Haha good job!!

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…