shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
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-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.