shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I love twitter
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
#SaturdayBears