Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call

–companies

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal