shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
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A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in