Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My purse is deeper than some people.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”