@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
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“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
finally
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Good for him.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
same energy
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.