@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
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I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them