“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
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Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
This line from Airplane.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I’m not proud
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
i made a craigslist ad !
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.