shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
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I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal