shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar