Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

This guy gets it.

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Wedding planning is organized crime.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.