Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors