My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
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just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke