Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?