Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
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Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
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We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Breaking news:
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Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
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You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
So we got a goldfish…
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