should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
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My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.