should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
You Might Also Like
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?