should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[shakes fist at other fist]
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.