Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

💻🤡

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher