Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

if you relate to me, get some help

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

I can’t stop watching this.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up