Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Sometimes? I’m slipping
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.