Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.