Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong