Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

Chicken bread

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.