Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

Oh no

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you