Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
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I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.