Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.