Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
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My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Smells like a challenge to me
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I wanna be friends with this person
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too