Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
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Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ