Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
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I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Trying
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Breaking news:
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school