Should I call tech support or pray or what
You Might Also Like
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
*gets down on one knee*
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
A comic by Dan Piraro
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.