“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
bags with threatening auras
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard