“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
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Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I’m about to risk it all
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.