Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

Breaking news:

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

One venti cheeseburger please.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.