“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
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The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
wow he looks just like him
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Reporter: *ports again*